We Have Such Sights to Show You: 10 films better than Hellraiser 2022
After being severely disappointed by the 2022 reboot of my long adored Hellraiser franchise, I asked myself, “Am I just wrong and the series fell to pieces after Hellbound?” I quickly Googled them to double check... and I learned that I had so, so much more to experience from Hellraiser than I had previously thought. I knew there were a handful… but I did not know there were 11 total. And so, adding to the list of “Things I Did So You Won’t”, here are all 11 Hellraiser movies ranked. [You’re welcome.] They range from truly great physical horror to truly awful and derivative trash, with nearly all of them most closely resembling something you’d pull out of a garbage disposal.
It’s too bad. This is a series with great creature design, great core concepts, and clearly some great staying power… yet no one can seem to figure out how to write even a halfway-decent story. I’d love to see this franchise turn around and erase everything that came before it but, with the abysmal void that is “2022”, I think that time may have come and gone.
#1 “Hellraiser” [1987] <1st>
I think that, outside of maybe Terminator 2 or Aliens, you’d be hard-pressed to find sequels that outdo their originals. And in the case of the two mentioned above, they are so different in execution from their parents that they’re hardly comparable anyway. So, Hellraiser [1987] being first on the list is probably unsurprising. Even in 2022 the props and effects used in this film are absolutely incredible, believable, and horrifying. 1987 is the only film in the entire series with any real semblance of a plot for the viewer to pay attention to, and that becomes more and more painfully clear as you go on, because each film borrows [completely rehashes in some cases] elements from it to make themselves “work”. For quality of film purposes, 1987 is the only film on this entire list I would openly recommend people watch outside of seeing what the series is/ turns into. Jesus wept indeed.
#2 “Revelations” [2011] <9th>
The first few sequels on this list might not be the best “films” within the franchise, but they are the best “Hellraiser films” [not that any of these beyond 1 are even decent films, but some get close]. I’ve put Revelations in the top because I think that it implements [steals at times] the themes put forth from 1987 of debauchery, sensations beyond normal limits, and simply plain evil acts in ways better than any of the others. With some better production value and a more competent crew, Revelations has the DNA to even rival the #1 spot on the list and is the only film in the series [to include the original] that actually features any moments or scenes that are genuinely uncomfortable beyond just gross props and costumes.
#3 “Inferno” [2000] <5th>
Inferno is definitely the most inventive use of the Cenobite mythos but gets so caught up in telling a linear story that it forgets to be clever or interesting along the way. While it was terribly boring to experience, when you figure out the twist it’s easy to appreciate for the story they wanted to tell. Inferno takes what has been a horror/scifi series and turns it into a noir-style cop drama that does a really good job of representing pieces of the genre while still maintaining the core tenets that 1987 created. I say “really good” with about a pound of salt, because this is anything but “really good” unless you’re doing a study on painfully stereotypical early 00’s/ late 90’s filmmaking. However, it does hold true to the franchise and doesn’t try to do anything goofy to expand upon it… it’s just really, REALLY boring.
#4 “Bloodline” [1996] <4th>
Remember how I said 5 doesn’t add anything silly to the franchise? That’s because, a few years earlier, they made an entire film to do just that. Bloodline is one of the trickier entries on this list. Originally, this was my #2 as it’s the only one I legitimately enjoyed [as bad horror] other than 1987 and parts of Hell on Earth, which we’ll get to. This one takes us on a journey through time to explain the origins of the puzzle box that is so central to the franchise and, mostly, does a decent job of contextualizing it… In a very 1996, cheap-horror kind of way. Fans of Parks and Recreation hold your hats because the ever-beloved Ben Wyatt is front and center here and is VERY distracting and silly. However, Bloodline is mostly an actually enjoyable time and very in line with other 90’s goofy horrors like Cube or Event Horizon. Bloodline lands at the #4 slot of the list simply because, while enjoyable, it doesn’t necessarily add anything to the series that we needed and is a very large departure from the core themes.
#5 “Hell on Earth” [1992] <3rd>
This is the point in the list when everything starts to go to, well… Hell. Hell on Earth is the perfect set-piece to exemplify what happens to the franchise as a whole. For starters, its poster is an identical copy of the 1987 poster with a different background and more saturation. Not a cloned recreation, but a literal copy-paste image. The film itself features near 0 elements of the “core” features beyond that Pinhead is evil, uses chains to murder people, and that you have to open the box to set things in motion. Once you get past those though, Hell on Earth is just a wild ride. Featuring such brilliant lines as “You invaded my mind!” said in shock and disgust the way a betrayed friend would admonish a once trusted companion... seemingly forgetting that the creature you’re so appalled at for doing this just killed an entire club of people by ripping them apart with chains. Entirely over-acted in the brilliant way only 90’s films can be and creating what is easily the silliest CD-nobite in any of the films; Hell on Earth is incredibly stupid even as far as these films go, but it’s also wacky enough to still be a good time. I wish the same could be said for any of the following entries…
#6 “Deader” [2005] <7th>
Featuring my favorite title in all the films, Deader is also one of the most confounding and marks a weird trend for the franchise. To be completely honest from the start, Deader is almost a really interesting, enjoyable, early 00’s drama-thriller revolving around a strange cast of undergrounders who defy death somehow and call themselves “Deaders”. Nearly 90% of this film has nothing to do with Hellraiser in any way… and it’s when those franchise elements are inserted that things really start to go wrong.
In our first proper Hellraiser scene, our protagonist opens the puzzle box and chains immediately shoot out of it and grab all over her head. Pinhead then appears and says,
“DO NOT THINK FOR EVEN ONE SECOND YOU ARE NOT IN DANGER,” and then disappears. Uh… excuse me, sir Pinhead sir, I don’t know if you noticed, but there are literally hooks jammed into my skull. I don’t think I ever considered that I might NOT be in danger, but thank you.
As the credits rolled on this one we were very confused as to what several of the plot elements actually meant and why they were there at all. Then, we read the synopsis, and it turns out that somewhere along the way we just completely missed that the Deaders and the Cenobites were basically contending for the same souls/ turf and, for whatever reason, our protagonist was the key to either side’s victory. When I say we “missed” it, what I mean is, that explanation didn’t exist anywhere in the film. It seems that there was an entire section that got cut at some point during production, the section that was needed to make any of that make any sense, but they decided to just release it anyway. I’d love to see a film made with the core concepts of Deader while eschewing any of the franchise elements of Hellraiser. This one was pretty disappointing, but the closest that any of the sequels get to being an actually interesting film.
#7 “Hellbound” [1988] <2nd>
“Gee CrV, the second film sure is low on your list.” That’s right, and that’s because, upon review, it’s bad. Hellbound has nothing new to offer but insists it does. It tries to expand on the lore of the Cenobites but does so in such a goofy and incomplete way that the film just feels cobbled together and silly rather than expanded or deep. While rehashing elements of the first film, Hellbound tries so hard to tell you about its own, unique identity that it forgets to actually have one and, instead, thrives off of one-liners, needlessly widening the scope of the universe, and more screen-time for already known characters. There’s not a whole lot to say about this one… it’s just not very good.
#8 “Hellworld” [2005] <8th>
Our third film on the list that matches its ranking with its release order, Hellworld may have something going on that you’ve already noticed. It’s the SECOND Hellraiser film released in 2005. Impressive in some ways, completely unnecessary or rewarded in others, Hellworld is even the same director as the other 2005 entry, Deader. Helloworld is fun but, incredibly stupid and not really a Hellraiser movie. It revolves around the lore of the series, but actually has nothing at all to do with it. In some ways it’s a clever use of everything fans have come to know over the last 18-years [good God] of films, but in most ways it’s just unfulfilling and goofy. Maybe seeing this one in 2005 would have changed my tune… but I doubt it. Hellworld is like someone made a movie based on the plot synopses of Scream and The Matrix' but never actually saw either film.
#9 “Hellseeker” [2002] <6th>
These last three entries are… difficult. They’re all awful in their own ways and really all deserve to be #11, but just ever-so-slightly edge each other out on wretchedness. In 2002’s Hellseeker we are treated to a total clone film to 2000’s 5th entry, Inferno. Apparently the filmmakers couldn’t come up with ANY new ideas, so they decided to also create a cop-drama centered around a not-great guy doing a not-great job and ending up caught in an endless loop of the hell he made for himself. Great! Hellseeker sticks to some of the core concepts of the franchise, cenobites show up and do what they’re supposed to… except that we also get the added benefit of the film being absolutely insufferable in its pacing and actual plot points. Oh, not to mention that they felt the need to bring back an original character in Kirsty [the lead from 1987]... but also make her a murderous villain for no reason? The film is so uninspired and boring that it would fall low on the list anyway, but with the inclusion of a character we already know from two other films as an attempt at clout, Hellseeker manages to live perfectly up to its name because you will be seeking why the hell you’re watching it the entire time.
#10 “Judgment” [2018] <10th>
Oof. Y’all, it is 2018 at this point. We have seen a LOT of garbage from this franchise. And yet, somehow there’s still room in the bin. Judgment manages to both be more interesting than the other films in its original ideas while simultaneously being more shamelessly exploitative and malign with its rip-offs as well. The opening to Judgment is just Saw, but sets up an interesting premise and even executes it well… save for the exploitation that is. We are immediately introduced into the idea that the modern world is so corrupt and defiled that the Cenobites need a way, beyond their puzzle-boxes, to draw people in. So, they start actively kidnapping them and having them confess their sins to be judged, accessed, cleaned, and then surgeon-ed[?]. While Judgment’s opening perfectly exemplifies one of the issues with the series at large – the gratuitous use of female nudity for… no reason at all – it also manages to have some really interesting ideas with this intro. Not to worry, however, because it immediately throws all of that away and turns into an unforgivably stupid clone of 1995’s Seven.
Points for boldness because it doesn’t even try to hide what it’s doing, but no points for execution because it is TERRIBLE. On top of that, this entry decides to expand on the lore by creating a pact/ conflict between heaven and hell that, apparently, Pinhead and co. have been a part of the entire time… It’s all so poorly implemented and weirdly executed that the twist at the end is more comedy than anything else. If I wasn’t so deeply disappointed with Hellraiser 2022 due to the history of the filmmakers behind it, Judgment would have been an EASY #11 spot on this list.
#11 “Hellraiser” [2022] <11th>
I’ve already written a full review for this film, so there isn’t much to say about it here. 2022 was partially just a terrible movie and partially a huge let-down. There was some serious clout behind this one in terms of crew… and they all somehow dropped the ball harder than anyone else who made any of these absolutely garbage movies. Pointless, boring, unintelligent, and needlessly empty, Hellraiser 2022 sits at the bottom of this list because it could have been so much more… but delivered absolutely nothing.
So, there you have it. All 11 Hellraiser films and why you shouldn’t watch them. This has been a long, arduous, and almost completely unrewarding journey… but we made it.
No tears please, it’s a waste of good suffering.
At least we’ll always have Tremors.
