Gunpowder Milkshake
"Are you a serial killer?"
I don't know that I've ever sat through a longer movie. Gunpowder Milkshake is the deranged lovechild of someone who took the over-the-top stylistic choices of Kill Bill, the action of John Wick, and the personality of Drive, then shredded them all up and took only the worst parts of what remained.
While some films blend multiple genres together to make an interesting and lovable amalgam of cinema, Milkshake does not. In Gunpowder Milkshake you will be treated to 80's visual vibes, 60's and 70's Western scores and themes with some confused pieces of early 00's Gothic drama thrown in, and another late 00's failed attempt at writing a meaningful female led action film.
The whole film revolves around two parties:
1. The Firm - an all male led organization that "make(s) all the rules and change(s) them when it fits their needs"
2. The Librarians - an all female group that runs a weapons emporium masquerading as a library.
Neither of these groups are ever justified or fleshed out... nor do they make sense even in universe. They have no personality other than The Firm is men and bad and The Librarians are women and tired of the bad men. I can't quite tell if this is an alternate reality very similar to our own like The Lobster where we just have to accept some strangeness from the world, or if it's just a really ham-fisted metaphor, because neither organization serves any purpose or has it’s existence validated beyond a few lines of establishing dialogue that allow them to exist at all.
The writing isn't funny, it isn't clever, and it isn't meaningful. We had some real opportunities to do something witty with many of the characters, and the best we get is completely flat and meaningless banter between the three Librarians that serves as the entirety of their personalities for the rest of the film. The editing is bad and misses several chances to do clever or unique cuts and fades between scenes or locations. Instead, we're treated to a 2-hour long movie that should have been closer to 1:45 and feels like 3. The score is inconsistent and always manages to be completely out of place; ranging from 80's inspired synths in the opening scene, to something straight from Sherlock Holmes, to some goofy bit I'm pretty sure was ripped straight from 2005's Son of the Mask. From a technical perspective, Milkshake was memorable for all the wrong reasons.
From a plot perspective, Gunpowder Milkshake is the Who's Line is it Anyway? of film. As they say, "The rules are made up and the points don't matter." The plot is completely meaningless and virtually never fleshed out. Our lead is forced into the life of an assassin(?) because her mom left her with a guy from The Frim when she was a kid(?) and now that she's grown she's made a whoopsie similar to her mom's and has gained the ire of The Firm. That's an alright basis for a plot (in Wick the basis is he's an ex-assassin and some people killed his dog), the problem is that it never grows and nobody we meet ever adds anything to it. By the end of the movie we still know nothing about almost anyone involved that we could haven't guessed just by their character name or title. Most of said characters have little to no actual involvement in the world other than existing in the single space where we meet them, and there are several instances where characters do things that are never resolved, or something happens that has no justification at all and is never ever mentioned or explained. Don't get me wrong, things can (and should) happen in film without guiding the audience directly to the answer, but that is NOT what happens here. In fact, the entire conflict of the movie could have been explained away with a single conversation but, instead, our lead just tells the antagonists, "It's gone," instead of telling them what really happened...
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1. Some Goofy Rule Setting
In the very beginning of the film we get a scene where a character is asked to "lighten their load" [drop off their guns] as they enter an establishment. They refuse, pushing the questioner out of the way, to which she assertively proclaims "Hey!"... and then does nothing about it. So, we attempt to establish a rule, "you can't bring guns in here" and then we immediately break it to also establish who the villains are (the Russians because this was also written by a 6th grader). That's all well and good, pretty typical stuff.
The problem is that nothing happens to said villain. It isn't like the Hotel in John Wick where breaking the rules carries any sort of punishment. This guy just pushes her aside and carries on his way. In fact, nobody does anything until a 3rd party character (who also apparently can have guns in here without consequence) steps in and resolves the situation. So, we establish a rule, then introduce a villain to break it, then introduce a… non-villain who also breaks it? Who are these rules for???
2. The ENTIRE conflict could have been completely avoided...
After running into some shenanigans, our lead ends up on the phone with a man from The Firm. She tells him the money that was supposed to be recovered is "gone". There's several problems with this:
a) She creates all of the ensuing drama by not explaining ANYTHING about the situation. Had she just told him what happened... she wouldn't be on the hook. The guy she was getting the money from blew it all up, not her. She wasn’t involved in any way. Why doesn't she explain this?
b) They aren't MONEY. They're BONDS. I don't have a SUPER good grasp on how all that works, but if they're destroyed isn't that better than them being stolen? Can't you just reprint them?
c) After the fight is over, our lead just sorta… moves on? Why didn't she lift the mask of the last guy to investigate who these people were? Had she done that, she could have explained what happened, had evidence, and sent The Firm chasing after the people who stole the money in the first place… which could have given us a real plot where Ralph Ineson's character was the one who stole from them and so we just circle back to that whole drama with his dead son anyway, but now we have a real reason…
3. What are you even doing here?
We get a scene where our lead goes to a building with absolutely no discussion or evidence as to why, but with a purpose that seems clear to her. Inside, she meets a character who she obviously did not expect to meet. We know this because she immediately asks "where have you been for the last 15 years?" Apparently she was expecting to find someone else… but it’s never resolved as to who that might be. Whoever we were expecting to meet just doesn’t matter anymore or this was somehow the place we always thought we'd find this new character and just didn't visit for 15 years? No matter what way you slice it, it doesn't make any sense.
4. Why show us this?
We get a scene shortly after where one character moves in to say something to another. In slow motion, and with muted audio, they share a secret of some sort. Then... one of the characters involved in the exchange dies... and nothing comes of it. We never learn (or care) what was said in that CLEARLY deliberate scene, and apparently it never matters. We just move on entirely. So… why bother?
5. At least try to justify yourself…
Inside the library, apparently ALL the books have wacky stuff inside them? That doesn't even make sense. This building HAS to have some ostensible purpose. If it doesn't... why do they have the secret door to the backroom? Why not just know where everything is in the front? What's the point and why is everything in the books so random? The longer this movie goes on, the less that anything makes any kind of sense.
6. Pretty convenient, sis.
Apparently the random cabin they hide out in is within walking distance of the café? That's pretty cool, considering the plot needed it that way. What is the point of this?
While there are a few decent shots in the film, Milkshake is a technical nightmare and Netflix should have kicked this one back to the writers before ever allowing it onto their platform.
I want GOOD female led action movies, not paltry garbage. I want witty and strong women leading the charge and beating up waves of bad guys, shooting and rolling and stabbing and driving like we've seen men do for decades now. I want cheese, I want flair, but I also want consistency and meaningful stories. We can have that. I want to see a bi, POC, nonbinary Bond that kicks ass and hypersexualizes everyone with the tongue-in-cheek awareness of the former films' history. I want to see Drive with a female lead. I want Dredd 2 or Robocop 2030 to feature women in the same hardcore roles their male counterparts have dominated with all the corn that comes with those series. I want that, I do not want this half-baked, hair-brained, pandering nonsense anymore. We can do better.
"I have an army
--Oh yeah? Well, I've got my mom!"
