“You must choose between kindness for your kin, and hatred for your enemies.”

Not as strange or creative as The Lighthouse; Not as succinct or tense as The VVitch; Robert Eggers’ newest film, The Northman feels more like a first or second foray into the craft instead of a third.

Following young Amleth on the road to revenge, Northman tells a familiar story with jetsam of other narrative pieces strewn about its edges. At a 2:15 runtime, these extra plots simply aren’t fleshed out enough, weird enough, or interesting enough to matter or add any bite to the story onscreen. One character in particular could be cut entirely from the film and nearly nothing changes despite their purported importance to the overall narrative. Now, this isn’t to say that Northman was “bad” by any stretch. It was just a little lost, a little rambling, and a little too mundane to be memorable.

Artistically, The Northman is almost entirely perfect in fact. The cinematography is gorgeous, creative, and engaging with a few single shot [or edited to look it] takes that are stunning, complex, and exciting. The score is one that I would pay for on vinyl... And I don’t even own a record player. If you like Robert Eggers’ other films, you will not only appreciate, but love, the parts of this film that shine because his vision is very clearly felt. Within the same turn though, if you like Robert Eggers’ other films... you will feel wholly disappointed at the lack of nuance, creativity, or intrigue written into the narrative itself.

Unfortunately, where 2021’s The Green Knight was entirely too obtuse and purposely pretentious; 2022’s The Northman feels like its confused cousin that didn’t really understand what that film was going for and also has never had an identity of its own. There is one scene in Northman where those of you that saw Knight will feel this comparison deeply and I think that, like me, you’ll wish the entirety of the film was built to this level.

From one of the most spoiler-ridden trailers of all time, to the ultimately meaningless and runtime-extending characters; the highs of Eggers’ The Northman simply don’t buoy the lows. Without maybe a Midsommar style director’s cut that adds a ton of footage and context/ intrigue, this isn’t one that I’ll ever revisit save to clip some of the truly masterful pieces of artistry that pepper its otherwise bland design.

As is, The Northman is the perfect example of a film that does entirely too little with entirely too much. It should have been a 5-part miniseries instead.

“This is not the work of my god. This is trollish sorcery.”