Excalibur, Edward Scissorhands, They Cloned Tyrone, The Beastmaster, Sleepy Hollow, Batman, American Psycho, Batman Returns, Elysium

- Excalibur [1981] - 73

Sometimes there are pieces of art that are both the epitome of their given genre, and yet wholly unique within it… and 1981’s Excalibur is exactly that. This is a “Sword and Sorcery” film down to the smallest atom, but it’s entirely unlike anything else out there. It’s such a weird experience in that most of the editing is strange and the story feels almost intentionally difficult to follow at times, but you still walk away awed at the scale of it all. There’s times that the suits of armor are clearly painted plastic while there’s others where you’re sure it’s real and the actor’s lives are truly in peril as they whale on each other with swords. The best way to describe this film is that it feels as though, instead of a script, the actors were simply given deep, deep lore on their characters, several weeks to study the histories behind the setting, and then told “Action” after being given a brief scene prompt. Don’t let my score fool you, this is a film I’ll return to many, many times in the future.

- Edward Scissorhands [1990] - 89

Easily the best of Burton’s work that I’ve chewed through thus far, Edward Scissorhands is a movie that’s much smarter than I remembered. As with any other Burton from this period of time, the art direction and score are top notch… but so is the storytelling in this one. That’s not to say Burton’s other films lack storytelling, but they do tend to lack much depth or meaning. Schissorhands, however, is a very clever and [somewhat] subtle “outsider” film with more to say than it lets on. While I do think that the film sags in the middle and could have used some tighter editing, the overall story was very well done and has many memorable characters while succeeding where most films studder: Staying grounded with one foot firmly in the realm of satire and the other equally firmly in fantasy. If you haven’t watched this recently, I genuinely think you should make the time.

- They Cloned Tyrone [2023] - 85

While I don’t think that They Cloned Tyrone solves all of the issues I generally have with satire as a genre, it does a good job avoiding some of the more major ones. It’s deft and sharp and mean and clever while not forgetting that it needs to have a plot beyond those things… even if that plot is a little tried and boring. The performances are great, the setting is intentionally strange and anachronistic, and the cinematography frames the whole adventure in fun and engaging ways. They Cloned Tyrone is a movie that I had a lukewarm experience with in terms of being moved or excited by, but definitely appreciate for its general artistry and depth of narrative. A meaningful [if a little bland] watch, this one really is worth your time.

- The Beastmaster [1982] - -

I don’t have a rating for this movie because I just don’t know how to assign one. 1982’s The Beastmaster is another Sword and Sorcery film that is just… insane. From the lead screeching at an eagle to communicate with it, to a tiger painted black instead of just using a panther, and the absolutely absurd and inappropriate way every female character is treated… this is one that you have to take for exactly what it is and nothing it isn’t. If viewed as a totally insnae Dungeons and Dragons nightmare film, this is an outrageous amount of fun… and that’s the only way to view it. Don’t take any part of this seriously and don’t try and justify anything that happens. Just appreciate Rip Torn as an evil wizard who gets bit in the dick by a ferret. [I actually don’t remember if it’s his character who does… but someone absolutely has that happen to them.]

- Sleepy Hollow [1999] - 81

If it wasn’t clear, I spent most of this week watching Tim Burton movies because, I’d either never seen them or hadn’t seen them in over a decade. Sleepy Hollow, like most of his stuff, is great for its artistry and presentation… but not a whole lot else. This one has the benefit of being adapted from something fun and interesting while also casting Ray Park as the stuntman behind the Headless Horseman, but it mostly only leaves you with an entertaining spectacle by the end. The film is plenty fun and more than serviceable in nearly every regard — I had a great time with it — it’s just not what I would call “meaningful”. But, not everything has to be. One of the most interesting things about watching all this Burton together is watching it on an OLED screen. He uses a hugely monochromatic pallet and the insane color depth of these screens really brings it to life. I can’t imagine what these movies must have looked like on VHS and early DVD.

- Batman [1989] - 70

Batman mostly follows the same likes for the other Burtons, it’s just also way too long and kind of boring. Truly, truly exceptional to look at, but not very fun to be a part of. This is the kind of movie I want on in the background of a party or that I want to take stills of and frame in something purpose built for them… but I don’t really want to watch again. I’m glad that I did, but it’s not something I’ll be revisiting anytime soon. All the characters are great, the sets are incredible, the score is phenomenal… it has a lot going for it but ends up just sorta average. The most interesting part is that Barman and the Joker are not only villains in-universe, but the film almost pits Keaton and Nicholson against each other as well, because both stars are so demanding onscreen.

- American Psycho [2000] - 84

Talk about a movie that doesn’t get the critical attention it deserves. American Psycho currently sports some real lukewarm ratings around the internet… and I don’t really understand why. This movie is well acted, well paced, well thought out, very clever in its satire, funny, weird, upsetting… it has a lot happening and it’s all good. While I do think it could be a touch more clear when it comes time to wrap-up, there’s also a lot to be said for the discussion the film allows by being ambiguous. I think this is a pretty clear case of audiences/ critics maybe just “not getting it” when the movie released, but who knows. Regardless of what the internet says, I’m obviously the authority here, and I say it’s great. But, let’s see what Paul Allen has to say about it…

- Batman Returns [1992] - 75

A definite improvement over the first film [if also more absurd] in every way, Batman Returns is still definitely not my favorite Burton, but it is more serviceable and interesting than its predecessor. There’s more moving pieces, more interesting characters, and just generally more fun to be had. I don’t have a ton to say about my experience with this except that it was mostly goofy and fun if also almost entirely unmemorable. Another “glad I watched it, don’t need to watch it again” experience that looks real cool on my OLED.

- Elysium [2013] - 58

Another movie best put on in the background of something much more interesting that you’re doing, Elysium sports Neill Blomkamp’s signature District 9 look and feel without any of the heart, soul, or intrigue. It’s kind of shocking to see that this film came 4-years after that one, rather than before it, because this is such a clear departure in terms of storytelling and execution. There’s some very cool moments in this journey, but they’re so few and far between that the totally transparent and banal story simply can’t sustain anything of import and just comes off as extremely preachy, rather than interesting or metaphoric. Weird slow-mo shots, shaky Call of Duty “I just got hit by a stun grenade” shuddering effects, and pointlessly silly villains really make this one a drag. If you haven’t gotten around to seeing this and it’s on your list, just stick with District 9 or Oblivion.